There is happened another blow to my perception.
I did something… I looked at myself “from the side”. It’s good for people who can’t understand themselves actually.
What can I say?
All my questions and objections have fallen today.
I understood final question which prevented me to sleep: why I was called “manipulative”.
Of course I was manipulative.
At first, I should look at myself better: I am NOT stupid. And I had enough lack of attention and lack of understanding experiense for realise somewhere in subconscious that no one ever will listen to me until I will “ready to die”. Actually, get attention with this is like result of accident, but I used it for evil. The opposite thing for love is not hate. It’s obsession. I should prove to myself that I can deal with loses, like every human being should, but I wanted to die like if I am not human. If I wanted, why I rejected help? Even from my mother. Well, I literally few moments ago realized that the truth is awful: I rejected help because I knew that if I will feel alright again then I will lose my last opportunity to talk to her.
Of course I was manipulative thed damn it. Logic against me. I am not stupid. I used my mind for evil.
I used my own pain for make her give me a chanse to explain, but all what I “explained” made things only worse… I’m not really know who could help me stop being monster.
Could I know somewhere on a deep level that good people like she will not left me while I am so sad? Of course I could…
I never never never ever give up, I’m super stubborn and I always believe that everything can be corrected. I thought that if we will talk then I can stop make her sad and we could be friends again, but, well, she did a lot for our friendship. I did nothing. I didn’t even understood when she tried coop with my mistakes. I thought she do wrong, but she tried to coop.
I actually want talk all this. I don’t want someone think that I am “nice person who made a mistake” of, worse, that I am a “victim”. I want everyone who read know that I am monster. I want be honest about myself.
The funnyest thing is that I do not hate myself for it.
I just don’t know. I was manipulative. I kept myself in very bad statement because my stupid optimism and obsession. Well, people always left because understood something wrong and I had no opportunity to explain myself. But not in this time.
Of course I was manipulative. If I wasn’t - then I would kill myself or accept help. Of course I didn’t understand that I was manipulative… No one wants be guilty, no one wants accept themself as a monster. I said “it was like someone pressed off button on my head”. It must be was a subconscious block. Reflex which worked all my life for protect me from realizing who really I am. Liar with innocent eyes. I’m always was so surprised because no one wants be friends with me. But actually, why someone would want?
I am hurt people, and then I think that it was not really hurt. Of course I am. Because who want accept that actually hurt someone without reason? Really, who?
I am not stupid.
I am maybe subconsciously want look like stupid. Because stupid people has no responsibilityes. I want be stupid child, because my childhood was empty and sad period without help, attention and friends, so I had no enoug time to be child.
I am not stupid. Now I see all that was in my subconscious… People go to psychologists to understand how their subconscious mind works, but I could do it by myself. Because I am not stupid, I am just evil and lost on the road of life. I don’t need psychologists, I just need switch my “reflexes” off. She put those words in my head, and they reached me after… 36 days and 2 hours? Long time, yes, but it reached.
I am sorry it taken so long. Maybe if I would understand everything before then I wouldn’t have a time for make her sad.
I don’t feel like I have more doubts… I understood. Why I have no friends, why “manipulative”, what gone wrong… Well, where is reason? Because lack of friendship experiense? I don’t know…
I feel so free. And so empty. No need to reject that I am monster anymore. This was long-life mistake. I don’t want it. I want feel what I feel, I want understand what have I done. People are too dishonest with themselves… That’s why they are always so unhappy. I can keep a “safe distance" with anyone (because I am okay before get close with anyone), but it’s not an answer. I don’t want isolate myself from people. I want to know how became good person myself.
I am really don’t want what to do… Recognize that I’m a monster does not mean stop be a monster. Recognize my own fault does not mean I deserve forgiveness even from myself. For the first time I talk really meaningfull and adequate things: I am monster. But right now I can’t get any help with it. Mother for the first time have no idea what I am talking about. And I also can’t go to a psychologist now. I litelarry have no one who could help me stop be a monster. I don’t want be manipulative. I don’t want hurt anyone’s feelings. I use my mind for evil and then don’t even understand if I did this. I want change it. I was manipulative, mad and selfish, but if lightning did not struck me yet then I have right to life. I have future without such a bad traits… Did I treatened to destroy this future? Ugh.
Sense. Too little sense. I am without psychologists see how my mind works. This means that I can live without the other person.
Maybe I just didn’t wanted?
It was selfish.
I am a very dark soul.
I suppose this is the end of my inner comflict.
I solved it. I saw the truth in full view. Yes I am.
Why was so many lie in my life? Why only quarrel with person from the internet helped me to see who I am?.. I am monster. Stop posting it’s really hard, but looks like this is all. I am very bad person. Why I write it? Because I know that some people who follow me read all my notes (I have no idea why but thank you), and maybe you guys could help me… I need a help.
I am a monster. Can I change it? What could help me with it?.. I want stop be better. I lost my way and… I don’t know how to stop be monster. Maybe something can help me? Anyone know?..
There is happened another blow to my perception.
I just remember I sent a link to my nsfw stanley x narrator stuff to Davey Wreden and now I’ll feel like shit for my entire life.
"You know English better than we" they told… "Try yourself in fanfictions translation" they told… I have an extra-“important” announcement.
I HATE! FANFICTION! TRANSLATION!!
I only decided transtale some fanfiction. It’s hard! In my head only “WTF IS THIS WTF IS THAT” because language! It’s only 2nd chapter but I already sleep in an embrace with my dictionary! But I have to keep calm, I have to keep calm… Russian portal-o-holics has “Blue Sky” and feel fantastic about it! Russian parableists wanna be cool too!! Every fandom needs super-big and great famous fanfiction and Russian part of tsp-fandom would like to see such thing and at this moment I am the only who can bring this
work of art fic in Russian fandom so I need translate it and tell everyone about it! So I do it for the fandom! I do it for my comrades! I…
And I told my mother that I will do the impossible thing and she asked “You will do the impossible thing? You will finally find a boyfriend?” Ha-ha, very “funny”! You will pay for your words, woman!
Thanslate foreign fanfics it’s very hard and I get tired, but I really want Russian fandom see this so I will ask about help with this. My English teacher wants to help me
even though we had a problem because I didn’t want to write the word “dear” when it was necessary because I have a reason and she asked and I didn’t wanted and she asked and I didn’t wanted and…So, since I am almost normal again I am always do something, translation as example, it’s actually bloody hard but still better that those RP because in RP constantly such things happens that I am just sit at the computer and constantly shout and comment on everything aloud, sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am angry as geek-girl with ruined OTP and so on as if I was watching the tv-show and mother angry because this!
She thinks that I am a little too emotional but I think that
Well, Russian fandom, great hero is coming for show u something great!
And when I will translate allthen WON’T THEY BE IMPRESSED: I’M NOT A MORON!~ I will learn English better just for u comrades see this and we all could talk about it for 9 9 9 9 9
I have a strong strange paranoidal feeling like someone standing behind me and stalking… It gets on my nerves! It’s really really scary! To write this note I hid under my desk. Only here I have feeling like I am safe.
What is this? I feel like someone watching… Permanently… And this thing is dangerous. And like when I am outside my “den” under desk then this creepy thing closer and closer if I am not leaning against the wall… Okay! No more free space between my back and physical object! I know that no one can stay behind me but I feel like this. I never ever felt like someone stay behind and look at me all the time! Damn it. I can’t do anything without it… I’m so scared. I feel it so strongly… I have a fever? I almost can feel panic. Maybe my conscience hints me that stalking it’s bad?
I’m so nervous. I will sleep right here, under desk, with my mobile device… Yup. In this year like snake crawled into my soul. Every time when I am again feel like “normal”, “strong” and “as cool as before” this “snake” wakes up, bites me and who-knows-how-many days I get rid of the “poison” which I got. Now I got strange paranoidal feeling… For hours of days? I am so scared. Yes, I can feel it. Someone can see my actions, and what I am typing and erase and typing again… DAAAAAAMN I AM SO SCARED.
But I am too boring and annoying for watching. Why I feel so paranoidal? Maybe I am just stressed and tired?.. Or I am just stupid. I don’t think I am going crazy. Really, I am not crazy. I am just tired…
Well, from the other side, hiding in “den” it’s a little funny.
Teacher: K PPL U HAVE JUST FINISHED WROTE THOSE SUPER EASY TEST AND I’VE JUST TOLD YA WHICH ANSWERS WAS CORRECT SO IF U GOT 0 MISTAKES THEN “A” IF 1 THEN “B” IF 2 THEN “C” LOL! [insert idiotic classmate’s name], U GOT “A”!
Me: But why? He made mistake in the second test question!
Teacher: AHA GOTCHA U LOOKED AT HIS TEST I GUESSED BUT NOW I HAVE A PROOF U COPIED HIS WORK DONT U U GOT “F” HAHAHALOL!
IIIII HAAAAATEEEEEEE MYYYYY SCHOOOOOL!!!!
Also, orange Tumblr-buttons are extra-annoying!
Red was much more better!
((Instood of picking up my rps I draw my silly drawings… As usual, yup…))
I am still draw in this rp.
But my hands do not move when I try draw something from Portal or Touhou or Hetalia or else… Daaamn iiiit, it’s a probleeem, I want draw only things which related to this rp, but I even can’t post all of them because [insert some otp about which I personally should shut up], no doctor for me…~